Background: When my second Kundalini awakening began I was in an extremely stressful life situation: I was primary cargiver to my 4 year old son, living with & caring for my elderly father who had been alcoholic and violent in my childhood, commuting daily to a high tech job, recovering from a painful separation with unresolved custody issues, and grappling with diabetes and a painful back injury. In short, I felt like I was on the verge of falling apart, completely.
Laughing, laughing… relationships. I was cracking up saying this to my acupuncturist today
She knows me personally by the way, so she knows my life terrain
How could I have a “relationship” with someone? One hour dinners twice a week?
When actually I budget that time, so desperately needed for “myself”
Maybe a visit overnight every other Sunday? When I so need to sleep?
A house so full of stuff my beau could hardly sit down to visit?
Have dinner with my dad, my son and I?
Where would I find the months to spend getting to know someone before introducing them to my son?
On the physical level, where on earth would the time, space, and energy come from?
It literally is like trying to offer someone an imaginary feast!
For you alone in your blankets is a “choice”, for me I have no choice!
I think that made it dead easy to recognize who you are
You were willing to walk into my house, and look around
And see me as beautiful, loveable
This form, teetering on the edge of completely falling apart, dying even
Understanding all too well, how people don’t mind dying at the end of physical lives
We are both doing some form of “tapas” right now.
Ok. I’m letting myself cry. It is really sad that I am trapped in this situation, right now
Ok back to sleep – somehow.
And then squeeze my excitement and joy back into 9-to-5 existence
And try to figure out how to do computer work from this place!
When I woke up at 1am – I thought for the first time
Oh, I’m was worried about this experience going away
But uh oh, this feels more like being on an express train
And realizing it doesn’t stop at your station
I can see what you mean, there could be a terror that comes from recognizing
Everything that you thought was solid about “yourself”
Start to keel, and list, and slide down into this ocean of light
But right now, it feels like I’ve actually been on this train
Before, always actually
And it is all right
to go back to sleep
A. (Charlie Morris)
You are a beautiful writer. Thanks for writing it out. A question I ask people quite often is “When have you felt this way before and who was it with?” This trapped feeling, how old does it feel? How often have you felt trapped and from how early? Just things to let simmer.
This karma, these feelings are no accident. This trap is you sometimes feel is actually the trapdoor to freedom. The bottom will eventually fall out and you’ll experience the fall. You already are. Only what is recognized changes. The lawn that is recognized as overgrown gets mowed. When I say Tranquilo, I don’t mean calm down. I mean, there is time to do, everything that you will do. Start small, though small doesn’t exist. Do just one thing, or no thing, but know that even one thing is a victory towards your lightened load. The chances that you will physically die before me are not known. You may outlive your son. Remember that the story tells you the story…not the truth. When we struggle, when we feel trapped, it is the proof of separation from true nature.
With the blankets, I mean literally, in the place you are “in”, wrap that struggle around you. Love the karma that surrounds you and explore it up close. Embrace it like a lover and make friends with it. Steer into it. This path is going somewhere and that somewhere is love, there is just no other outcome.