Is it just the absence?

We lost my father to Covid-19 about five weeks ago.   These are the last few family photos we were able to take together.

Out for Chinese before quarantine

At least we can video conference

Video call on Easter Monday

There is still so much to process about how we lost my dad, in the midst of so much to process about what is happening because of Covid-19.   We started a remembrance site for him, which at least gives us a way to have a memorial when we can’t have a service.  But I’ve also been going through some difficult mental/emotional states and recognitions – which in general folks chalk up to “grief”.

I’m sure much of grief is just the sheer “absence” of the one you love crossing over and no longer being here on earth.  All the day to day love,  the roles we have that give our lives shape are suddenly gone.  There is emptiness where there used to be daily expressions of love.   It’s like phantom limb syndrome every time you look at something and realize they aren’t here any longer.    And that’s even without sudden or disturbing circumstances around their death…

Over the last five weeks I’ve been feeling something that is a different way to look at “grief” though.   It is tied to a discussion I had with my energetic healer when we first talked about his awakening.    He had a client who had died, and around that time had a very challenging energetic awakening emergency.  I remember saying it was like his client had pulled him into the “bardo”when they died. (Description of the Bardo here)

What if what we attribute to an absence of a person in our lives, is more specifically an awareness of what we are when we aren’t incarnated,  and a deeper awareness of what is underneath us all when we are incarnated?  An awareness of an unlimited and untethered space, which doesn’t compute well with our normal thinking mind, but becomes more present – because that is “where” our loved one has dissolved into?  Our connection to our loved one “pulls” us into this space.

I wrote about my lack of functioning yesterday, and got lots of good advice about self-care during grief back in return:

What does it mean when you can’t function well without some form of caffeine and you’re disillusioned by most goals (even the noble “spiritual” ones) you’ve held most of your life. Then your country & the world are staggering under the weight of serious pandemic (not to mention severe political debasement) – so most future goals are trammelled anyway. Is that just the culmination of a “mid-life” crisis? 🤦‍♀️

For me the disillusionment is not only the absence of my father in human form, or the absence of the caring roles and comfort of family love.  The disillusionment comes from seeing through the impermanent nature of most of what we focus on in human life,  “samsara” if you will.  It is not just grieving and grasping what is lost – it is stark recognition of the uncertainty of certainty, the impermanence of what appears permanent and the actual lack of producing what is sought by what we desire and work so hard at.   In the midst of many people leaving the earth  due to Covid-19 – the disorientation many people are experiencing could be due, at least in part, to this  stark recognition.