Below is a very good article by Charlie Morris from 2010 – one that didn’t make it onto his new website. I’m reblogging this here because I’ve been living the truth of this article for several months. Karmic situations or illness have completely bound the nature of my day-to-day life. First it was a social situation impacting my son. Then my father’s decline and recent admission to Palliative care. Then my son’s father separated from his partner of seven years, developed some type of chronic condition, and landed in the hospital just before Christmas, without any insurance or savings. Though we are ex-partners, how do you watch the father of your child become disabled and possibly die at only age 61, simply because they have no access to health insurance?
During the dark times after the election, I purchased what I thought would be a good car for commuting – a used 2015 Prius V. I was happy to be doing something positive for the environment. But it turns out that I am sensitive to the variable EMF field that is generated in hybrid cars. I would become sick within a day or two of driving it. I went back and forth between the Prius and my old Subaru, for two months this pattern repeated, as well as other clear indications I was developing a hypersensitivity to magnetic fields. I had to take a loss, fix my old car for the time being, and sell the Prius, which was itself an ordeal due to the car being under electronic title with an outstanding loan. During this time my son caught pinworms, which are so infectious that I had them by the time we even knew he did. Due to my ongoing struggles with the EMF field in the hybrid lowering my immune system, the pinworm infection is taking much longer to treat. After hearing about some of all this one of my close colleagues joked, “If it weren’t for bad luck, you wouldn’t have any luck at all!”
So this article has literally been my life for almost six months. Life can feel like drowning sometimes. I have been ground down by my circumstances into letting go on so many levels. And there is something specific I’ve learned, thought it may be hard to fully convey in language. My healer and I used to talk about “holding up the sky” for others, for instance when I was helping my father heal from a rare autoimmune disease. Holding up the sky is a great analogy, because you can never really “hold up the sky” for someone else. But there are human circumstances were people do lean on you for life-force, and/or for financial and medical support. And if you have three other people leaning on you that way, when you yourself are sick, you have to learn how not to hold up the sky for other people. First I learned how to do it, then I had had to learn how not to do it. I had to learn how to conserve my subtle holding and not project it outward to help others, when it was actually depleting me. I’ve had to learn how to rest, how to be alone, how to not to feel so excited about awakening into a connection with everything.
There were several articles my healer wrote five years ago, about needing to leave your teacher to sew your own robes. This was very true for me, though excruciatingly hard for me to do. About a year and a half ago, I realized I was still projecting that he produced an energetic awakening experience within me. I had to be willing to turn away from that, even if it meant my life circumstances got hard when they were no longer buoyed up from that contact. This for me has been the proof of the healing – being able to hold myself through difficulties, even harder to bear than what brought me to my healer in the first place.
There are many tipping points in our life where choice and freedom seem to be removed from us. Illness is one of the most potent tipping points, wherein your personal freedom of movement, safety, vitality and dreams of the future may all feel jeopardized. It may be a chronic condition that lingers…an achey back, for example, that keeps you from doing what you love. It may be a terminal illness or condition that doctors say you may or may not survive. In any case, illness is a tipping point that pushes us over the edge of comfort and safety and into facing the illusion that we ever had control over our lives. And if we didn’t have control over our lives, and we can be open to that….it begs the question of who does.
For many people, this feels anathema to the current mainstream focus of numerous self help gurus, who focus on changing your life with positive thoughts, affirmation. People dearly want to believe that they can be in charge of their life, and especially their very own blessed bodies that they have trusted to carry them through this life. The blessing of illness, is that we finally learn that we don’t have control. Learning that it is okay to know and trust in life, and that we do not have to attempt to control and manipulate life any longer is a relief, a great letting go. The blessing can be to finally surrender to the fact that we have never needed control. The tipping point of illness describes the surrender to a way of life that very well led to our illness in the first place. When we become “sick” all the things that we used to do, we can no longer do. All the ways we have used to avoid feelings, we can longer rely upon. All the thoughts that we found ways to tune out with distraction come home to us as we lay there pondering how much time we have left. From a fear based, control perspective illness feels like an end of things, but it is the beginning of the deepest work we may ever do in our lifetime. And many times, this deep work does actually result in a release of the energetic reality of the illness itself, and we are able to remain here, with a whole new perspective on everything around us.
From a healing perspective, illness is a time of rebirth. Once someone can embrace the way things are, which his hard to do when we think we are in charge of life, then all manner of wondrous things can occur for their inner healing. Illness deeply asks us to be in stillness, to sit with how we have come to where we are. Very often it writes upon our hearts with words we have not used in a very long time. We find ourselves realizing how we actually don’t know how much time we have left. For me, that is the largest illusion that keep us from really living. When we are “well” and not “sick” most of us presume we have lots of time left to continue living unconsciously, to remain asleep. But through the lens of illness…it bestows upon us the gift of the present moment. Without the illusion that we have lots of time remaining…we may find that grace and compassion can softly land on old grudges we have held, can land on old hurts that we harbor, can land on our eyes so that we can see those loving beings that we have been taking for granted.
Every illness has a history. It tells the tale of how energy has been managed inside the physical body. It tells the tale of unfolding karma and makes us sit still enough to listen. Every one of them tells a story of unspoken and unfinished things. If you listen well, you will hear a story that may sound painful, but will lead you to uncover those unfinished things.