Appreciating What You’ve Got

I had a painful day yesterday. It was heavy, there was a letting go of something that I obviously have come into this life to reconcile. A dream I came here to hold protectively, like a rare and delicate bird, and then to set free. To watch it fly away, to hold its dissolution. A dream I have tended to on so many levels, through lifetimes, that it seemed to call forth every ounce of energy that could flow through this little body. And you know just feeling the power of a dream that strong, one that has brought you back into a body again and again – well, there are no words for it.

So this cannot happen without pain, without grief, at least for me. How can I not feel the sheer tenacity of that hope and the crashing recognition that it is being released? I am not free holding onto a dream of something that is not here, now. Does that projective holding actually produce the desired? I thwart myself with my own grasping. What is worse is how I cause pain and imbalance to others through my intense attachment. I can’t even perceive the discomfort or requests of those near to me, of the ones I seek to love.

And I’m not even doing the letting go. I’d love to have the control of it, of even saying that “I’m doing it.” It happens, when the pain wakes me up, when the unheeded calls of those who love me finally reach my ears. My healer once told me that “pain is a treasure map.” What a beautiful way to look at the hard times in our journeys.

What did I do to express my sorrow? I wrote a poem, Karma. For me there is nothing like writing sacred poetry to work the alchemy of my soul’s transformation.

Today, in the wake of my dream’s dissolution, I look around and find myself appreciating what I’ve got. I made french toast for my father and my son. I say to my son for the millionth time, I am such a lucky mommy. And he smiles and tells me he will always love me. This is a groundhogs day scene I could repeat forever. I look at my dad and tell him it is no small wonder that we are here living together, that things don’t always turn out this well. He quietly gets what I am pointing to. Because they aren’t just words, I feel the karmic weight of what passed through our family, and that it literally is no small wonder that we are alive and living together in a harmonious spirit. There are many, many other family stories like ours that do not turn out this well.

And that is worth consciously appreciating, day in and day out.

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5 Responses to Appreciating What You’ve Got

  1. Harriet Hilker says:

    very beautiful how this is possible at all …. no wonder the amazement. Thanks for sharing with those who recognize the terrain and come out the otherside amazed, surely we could not have imagined this possible. Much love to you, your Dad and Josiah. Harriet (a.k.a. Hamsa)

    • tealas says:

      Hamsa, it is so good to hear from you. We have seen amazing things together haven’t we? I never would have thought losing Zoe could have been as peaceful and heartfelt as it was with your help. I’m feeling you in my heart ❤ I will pass on your love to my Dad and Josiah! All love, Teala

  2. ronnie taylor says:

    teachers don’t always teach nor are they necessarily friend, master or lover. if folks don’t own their own attachments, won’t choose vulnerability or claim they are past that; you’ve got a pattern of denial and some subconscious attachment to people who can’t be present for you because they just don’t want to be. it’s not being spiritually evolved, it’s being non-loving as a choice. i think maybe you don’t choose to do enough “homework” to be present enough to demand high quality treatment and you choose people who aren’t present to you on a regular basis…, they’re closed to that; then you try to blame yourself for wanting that “impossible dream” in the first place. Sounds full of shame and guilt. Your dream is natural, your suffering is with lots of help. Creatures don’t shower you with love, that’s not advanced, that’s anti-spiritual.
    we’re not here to deny natural love between us, we’re here to create it in an evolving manner.
    i’m glad you admit your pain and i hope you grieve it, bits at a time. choosing teachers/lovers who deny their own humanity and vulnerability to you sure sounds non-functional and could be changed. denial of our natural self just causes acting out, even if done with spiritual jargon of whatever sort, it’s still dysfunctional denial, repression, etc.

  3. ronnie taylor says:

    love you teala.

  4. tealas says:

    love you too Ronnie

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